Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
