Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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