i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
