You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
