She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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