Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
