Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
