im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
