census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
