I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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