you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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