She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
