captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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