hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It's official drugs can't kill me
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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