i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
