first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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