Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
