I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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