thus making me awesome and them whores
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
