I wish I only lived at night.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize