ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm so fucking centered right now
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
