Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
i out mim tonsoeep
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
