THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
