Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I still have a little drunk in my system
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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