yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
