im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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