You're completely useless in the revolution.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
