so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
