My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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