I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
