so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
