Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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