So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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