I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
