Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize