hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
