Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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