Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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