you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
