dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
