Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm too high and old for this...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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