when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Randomize
