He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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