john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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