This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize