I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
