You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
