suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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