Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
