I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
