a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
