just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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