Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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