Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
