My nipple is on Facebook.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
