I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
