i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Watching her eat just hurts me
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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