We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
