I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
