I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
