I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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