it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
