I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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