I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
